It is also a shame that these children never realize what fun is in life.
On the specialist portal Familienhandbuch.de, the expert points out that children who would have to fear beatings in the event of misconduct were more inclined to white lies and truancy to protect themselves and tried to spend as little time as possible at home. The educational influence of parents on their child does not increase, but rather decreases in the medium term due to the blows.
Weymann also points out that corporal punishment not only hurts, but also has a deeply degrading effect on a child. "It is a violation of the child’s dignity" the social worker makes it unmistakably clear. The child’s basic trust in its parents suffers just as much from regular blows as does its ability to build trust in other adults. Weymann assesses it differently if parents slip their hand once in an escalated situation: "We are all human, and it can happen from time to time – only it has to stay at one time!"
A one-time slip
If exactly that happens to parents in an extreme situation, there is usually great shock on both sides. "If you hit your child, it is important to apologize to him for it – preferably immediately after it happened" says Annette Kast-Zahn, a certified psychologist from Ratingen in North Rhine-Westphalia. If the situation cannot be resolved immediately, the apology should definitely be made the same day. You should honestly express your regret about the incident to your child: "It was wrong of me to hit you. I hurt you and I am very sorry!" Parents should also make it clear to their child that they fundamentally reject violence and will endeavor not to strike again in the future. "You should definitely not try to justify yourself for the blows at the same time."
Sophia (18) and Lulu (15) were never allowed to watch TV, play games on the computer or stay with friends. They had to learn math and practice the piano or violin for at least two hours a day. And alas, they brought home less than a straight A. If the violin didn’t work, her mother threatened to burn Lulu’s favorite stuffed animal. With this educational concept acted the so-called "Tiger mother" Amy Chua in the United States used insults and even death threats. Her bestseller appears on February 7th "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" in German translation – and of course the extreme views of the American with Chinese origins are also a topic for discussion in this country.
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Thoughtful parenting debate in the US
As passages from the book under the provocative title "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" in the renowned "Wall Street Journal" were reprinted, many mommy bloggers were angry with Amy Chua. But after the initial excitement, a more thoughtful discussion has started in the US media and at dinner parties for the educated middle class. There must be something to the educational methods of Asian mothers, whose children get hold of so many of the coveted places at Harvard, Yale and Princeton, it is now said.
This is how the readers of t-online.de react
In Germany, too, there does not seem to be an agreement on the strict concept of "Tiger mother" to be. The numerous reader comments on t-online.de testify to this: Even if the majority of readers oppose the ideal of upbringing, there are many users who share Chua’s views. So you read next to comments like "It really has a bang" (Jasmin anna) again and again statements that are directed against too lax child-rearing and are skeptical of today’s youth: "She’s not entirely wrong. Where this anti-authoritarian upbringing leads, you can see in our many children and young people in these times! They only have nonsense in their heads, no respect whatsoever and they don’t want to learn for the future either" (Jens).
"The woman should urgently go to a mental institution!"
This is how the readers of t-online.de react to the "Tiger mother":
"It really has a bang. To raise the children with pressure. Of course she doesn’t mention that half of all children and young people commit suicide because of this. Something like that should be forbidden!" (from "Jasmine anna")"When children grow up, they defend themselves against the drill (see daughter of the tigress). As soon as they think critically for themselves, these children break away. The love for the mother falls by the wayside – even in old age when the parents should be in need of care !!! Does such a mother LOVE her child ??? The result: tough – but callous children. No thanks! I said to my 2 children: better a happy garbage man than an unhappy professor!" (from "Lisa")"In our petting society, no matter how much money we invest in the education system, it will not work! No performance without discipline. It doesn’t have to be as extreme as the tiger mother demands, but always praising everything and glossing over everything is not the solution!" (from "Brenda")"Well The question is, what do you describe as success? If you reduce the diversity of life to good grades, professional success and a high income, then you would rather not have been born. It may be that there are individual characters who want to be challenged in this way and become happy with it. For most children meet single russian women, however, such upbringing is pure cruelty." (from "Constructive")"Of course, THAT can’t be the way either. But the totally effeminate upbringing in Germany is also bearing fruit: young people with inflated egos who are unable to take responsibility, behave and do something with discipline. The truth must lie somewhere in the middle. Winterhoff, Bueb – it is also becoming clear in Germany that there must be alternatives to the currently widespread course." (from "no over-mother")"Nobody has the right to treat children like that. In fact, Chua follows age-old parenting teachings, devoid of compassion and responsibility. We adults do enough every day to make many children in this world unhappy. We don’t need those sick, primitive (and easy) methods of a would-be educator: sugar and stick – just because she thinks it’s good herself. It is also possible with love, understanding, respect and empathy. The world needs happy children." (from "Teacher")"She’s not entirely wrong. Where this anti-authoritarian upbringing leads, you can see in our many children and young people in these times! They only have nonsense in their heads, no respect and they don’t want to learn for the future either, because the social network is ready for them! A healthy middle ground has to be found, with both challenging and encouraging! There is no other way, because the world is not a dream bubble but hard and unfair!" (from "Jens")"What kind of time do we actually live in? This is patronized deprivation of liberty! Success and perfection at the expense of childhood, NO thanks! The woman should urgently go to a psychiatric institution! It’s just a shame that there are also mothers here in this country who want their children to be successful by all means. I ask you mothers! Did YOU have such a strict upbringing? They are CHILDREN and not MACHINERY!" (from "incomprehensible")"I would be interested to know what grades Ms. Chua’s children have in social skills? With what this mother is up to, certainly not 1s. Upbringing is something completely different from the pressure to perform according to the motto: The main thing is to be successful. Education is the imparting of values and virtues. It is also a shame that these children never realize what fun is in life. I hope my children will have a lot of fun in and in life !!!" (from "The cuddly cat mom")
Rules yes "Tiger upbringing" no: Do children need a particularly strict upbringing?
The result of an ongoing vote on t-online.de points in a similar direction: Only a few (5.2 percent) of the 4180 Internet users who voted are of the opinion that children can use all possible means to their happiness and success Parents should be forced. However, there are even fewer (1.9 percent) who consider themselves to be supporters of an anti-authoritarian upbringing. If you believe the majority of readers, the truth lies between these two extremes: This is what 40 percent of users say "I am in favor of a strict upbringing, but I do not like corporal punishment. The children should not be tormented too much". And even 52.3 percent find: "Of course, children need a few basic rules, but parents shouldn’t be particularly strict."
Also the "Tiger mother" had to give in
But Amy Chua herself has since relented a little: Her book is not an educational guide but the self-deprecating description of her experiences as a mother. In the end she had to give up many principles because the younger daughter rebelled when she was 13.
Is the "Tiger mother" so already tamed? Not really: "If I were faced with the same task again, I would do it the same way – with small corrections" says Chua. But what amazes them most is the presentation of their principles as "Chinese": "Work hard, don’t give up, don’t look for excuses, take responsibility and be independent – for me these are all traditional American values" she says.
In bringing up their children, parents hardly take the truth as seriously as they demand of the children themselves. Canadian and American researchers report in the Journal of Moral Education. They asked parents on what occasions they lie, as well as young adults, what lies from their parents they can remember. According to the results of the study, the lie is surprisingly widespread. The adults usually either want to evoke a certain behavior or make the children happy.
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Lying is common in education
The answers to the survey show how versatile lies can be used in education. Parents often said they would promise bad things to their young children if they don’t go to bed or finish their plate. "If you don’t finish, you will get pimples on your face" so the threat of a mother, even magical creatures like witches or wizards were often called to help. Others reported that they encouraged their child to wrap the pacifier in a package for the pacifier to pick up and bring to other children who needed it. Also the hint that the doodle of a two year old as "beautiful" the researchers found in the answer sheets. "Even the parents, who insist the most on children’s honesty, often lie" reports director of studies Kang Lee, director of the Institute of Child Study at the University of Toronto.
Complete confidence in the parents
Pia Deimann, developmental psychologist at the University of Vienna, explains why children even believe their parents’ untrue descriptions: "Children completely trust their parents. This is because humans have been dependent on good care longer than any other species." Finally, around the age of four, children learn to distinguish between lies and truth. At the same time, they also reach a linguistic and cognitive level that they can use to lie themselves. "They discover that they can change reality through language, apply it very creatively and are happy to use it to terrify other people."